


Swearing and Snickers

by Mrs_SimonTam_PHD



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Based on a text post, Bit of a Sherlock reference, Death chucking candy at people, Judge!Death, Lawyer!Lucifer, M/M, OFCs - Freeform, Okay one’s a real person the other’s an OFC, bad court room practices, prosecutor!Michael, this is crack? I think?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2017-11-27
Packaged: 2019-02-07 16:39:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12845214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mrs_SimonTam_PHD/pseuds/Mrs_SimonTam_PHD
Summary: Sam’s not sure what to make of this first day in court, but at least his lawyer’s attractive





	Swearing and Snickers

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LuxInvictus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuxInvictus/gifts).



> So @bustarose sent me a post and I added to it (post: http://lucibae-is-dancing-in-hell.tumblr.com/post/167857323250/hellenhighwater-saltofficial-lawyer-voice) and then I started talking to @spnyoucantkeepmedown about it and we came up with this scenario and I can’t stop thinking about it. So, here this is!
> 
> This is also for the BEAUTIFUL @coffee-queen448 for buying me a shirt from Mark Pellegrino’s #onlylove campaign and who agreed that this is the exact kind of thing the two of us would say in court, and why we aren’t becoming lawyers.

Sam wasn’t sure  _ how  _ he got in so much trouble that he ended up basically selling his soul to hire Lucifer Alighieri to defend him in court. 

For the record, he was  _ not  _ robbing a grave, or trespassing, or anything like that. It’s just that  _ Dean  _ was and they thought he was his accomplice. 

Dean told him he should’ve just gone with the plea deal but Sam was pissed and was going to milk the justice system for all it was worth. 

Which is why he is currently in court, at five to eight on a Monday morning, with a grumpy, highly attractive lawyer and a barely more than awake paralegal. Sam’s not certain, but he thinks that the witch-covered mug that was in the paralegal’s hand was perhaps filled with all sorts of energy drinks. He decided to ask. 

“Nichole?” he asked. 

“Hmm?” she asked, handing Lucifer a legal pad. 

“What is in your cup?” he asked. 

“Deathwish coffee,” she said absently. “Iced, with four teaspoons of sugar and about a half cup of milk.” She looked up and gave an apologetic smile. “I’m a night owl, biological clock refuses to let me sleep until about four in the morning most nights.” 

Sam stared at her in horror. “So you got-” 

“Three hours of sleep?” she smiled warmly, taking another sip of coffee. “Mhm. But that’s why after court today, I’m taking a nap. And I’m probably taking a nap at lunch. Now, because Lucifer’s reading his opening statement, I’m going to go over a few things with you. One, the prosecutor on this case is, regrettably, Michael Milton. He’s very good at what he does. And good looking.” 

Lucifer threw a look at his assistant. Sam did his very best not to shudder, but Nichole just gave him a bland look. 

“I’m not blind, Lucifer,” she said patiently. “But yes, you’re the prettiest girl at the ball.” 

Lucifer grunted and returned to reading his opening statement. 

“You’re just jealous you can’t tap this piece of ass,” she teased before looking at Sam. “So, yes, Michael Milton is the prosecutor on this case, which is a disadvantage, but the presiding judge is Julian Richings. He’ll make you feel like you’re nothing more than a bacteria, but he’s fair. And honest. Just tell the truth, don’t let Michael intimidate you on the witness stand, and just remember, perjury carries a harsher sentence than what you’re looking at.” 

Sam nodded. 

“Lucifer, any other advice?” Nichole asked, taking another sip from her coffee. 

“No, you got everything,” Lucifer grouched. 

“Neither of you are morning people, are you?” Sam asked. 

Lucifer grunted while Nichole shook her head. “I got my degree doing night classes,” she explained, “but I’ve also always been hardwired this way. I’ve gotten better as I’ve gotten older on ‘how to be a morning person’ and the answer is caffeine and food.” 

“What about a run?” Sam asked. “Gets the blood flowing.” 

“You will see me run only if one, something is chasing me and two, there is free food and I have to sprint,” Nichole declared. “I walk a lot, though, so that helps. Plus, there’s always morning sex.” 

Sam snorted. 

“All Rise for the Honorable Julian Richings.” 

Everyone stood up as Judge Julian Richings entered the court, and Sam immediately understood why Nichole said he’d make you feel like a bacteria. He was tall and elegant, and he wore the robes well. 

He sat down and so did everyone else. Judge Richings sighed as he looked between the prosecution and the defense. “We are not having a repeat incident of what happened in Judge Singer’s courtroom last year, gentlemen,” he warned, “or I will find you both in contempt and have you thrown in jail.” 

“What happened last year?” Sam whispered in Nichole’s ear. 

“There may’ve been a fist fight,” Nichole whispered back. “Lucifer and Michael go way back, to their law school days.” 

Sam nodded and leaned back as Michael gave his opening statement. It was a bit long winded but it got the point across. 

“Stick to script, Lucifer,” Nichole hissed as Lucifer stood up to give his opening statement.  

Somehow, Sam didn’t think his lawyer would. 

Sam was right, as Lucifer rolled out his shoulders and neck before speaking. 

“Mothers and fuckers of the jury-” 

“Shit,” Nichole whined, hitting her head repeatedly with a legal pad. There was a growl from Michael and just a weary sigh from the judge. Sam wondered if he just tended to fall for the attractive assholes, or if there was some sort of magnet attached to him that drew him to said attractive assholes. Sam couldn’t help but smile a little to himself, though.  _ I kind of like that sound better than ‘ladies and gentlemen’ _ , he thought. 

“-I shall make my opening statement short and to the point, because nobody wants to fucking be here at 8 in the fucking morning, but here we are.” 

The jury all chuckled in agreement. Judge Richings sighed. “Mr. Alighieri, I will ask you to refrain from swearing like a sailor in my courtroom, no matter how much we agree with the sentiment.” 

“Of course, your Honor, my apologies,” Lucifer said, sounding only partly contrite. He returned to speaking to the jury. “My client, Sam Winchester-”

 

“Objection!” 

With the exception of Lucifer swearing during his opening statement, court had actually been somewhat peaceful, until now. 

Lucifer was questioning the janitor who had caught Sam trying to get Dean to get out of the fucking cemetery (and he still doesn’t know what Dean was doing digging up a body and he’s fairly certain he doesn’t want to know) during a cross examination when Michael objected to the question. 

“On what fucking grounds?” Lucifer barked, whirling to look at the prosecutor. 

Michael gritted his teeth. “Leading the witness.” 

“Fucking withdrawn, and no more goddamn questions,” Lucifer groused. 

Out of nowhere, a Snickers bar was thrown from where Judge Richings sat and hit Lucifer square in the head. Nichole was laughing behind her legal pad, and Lucifer turned to look at the judge, startled, holding the Snickers. 

“You start feeling a bit homicidal in my courtroom when you’re hungry.” Judge Richings commented idly. 

Lucifer gave a thin smile, snickering as another Snickers was thrown and hit Michael in the nose. 

“Do I want to know why Judge Richings has Snickers with him?” Sam whispered to Nichole as Lucifer returned to his seat. 

“Judge Richings likes to eat fast food and junk food,” Nichole whispered. “I think he just likes chucking candy at the people who annoy him, honestly. It’s like hitting them with the Thor’s Hammer of Fucking Eat.” 

Sam bit back his loud laugh into a quiet snort and Nichole smirked as Lucifer munched on his Snickers bar. Sam tried not to watch Lucifer’s lips wrap around the chocolate and caramel treat or the soft, bordering on pornographic moans that he made while he ate. 

 

The trial went much more smoothly after Lucifer and Michael ate their Snickers, as well as lunch, and Judge Richings dismissed court at 3 when Michael’s final witness had been examined and cross examined. Everyone was polite and there wasn’t another bout of swearing from Lucifer. 

“Will this happen again?” Sam asked Nichole as he watched her pack her briefcase, which was in the form of Darth Vader’s chestplate. 

“Probably,” Nichole said calmly. “Have Lucifer tell you about the time a cockroach ran towards Michael and he screamed like a little girl. Judge Richings just looked bored and he had to call a thirty minute recess.” She smiled. “It’s always a good day in court with Judge Richings.” 

A Kit Kat was violently thrown in her direction, but Nichole simply caught it and waved at Judge Richings. “Thank you, your Honor!” she called after him. Sam thought he saw the ghost of a smile before the judge entered the judge’s chambers. 

“I clerked for him before working for Lucifer,” she explained, smiling brightly at Lucifer as he approached. Sam noted for the fortieth time that day that the color of Lucifer’s tie matched his eyes. 

“No fair, you got a Kit Kat,” Lucifer whined as he looked at the candy in her hand. 

“That’s because Julian  _ likes  _ me,” Nichole teased. “Do you need me at the office?” 

“No, you’re good to go,” Lucifer said. “Thanks again.” 

“No problem,” Nichole said brightly. “Right. I’m going home to my girlfriend and boyfriend.” 

Sam blinked. 

“I’m bi and poly,” Nichole shrugged. “Orgasms for all involved and it’s never boring.” She beamed. 

“That’s. . . kind of cool,” Sam admitted. “What do they do?” 

“Balthazar is a wine connoisseur and Drea’s a published author,” Nichole smiled. 

“Do I dare ask how you met?” Sam asked with a chuckle as they walked out.    
“I met Drea at the library and I met Balthy at Hellish Leather,” Nichole said bluntly. 

Sam laughed. “You don’t like having a filter, do you?” he asked. 

“No,” she admitted. “Which is why I’m the paralegal and I can do things like discreetly text Balthy a naughty pic or Drea a nice steamy paragraph.” 

Sam flushed and smiled. “Well, that makes sense.” 

“I’d start every freakin’ opening statement with ‘mothers and fuckers of the jury’ and would be  _ fired  _ continuously. Lucifer only does it when he’s up against Michael and he’s  _ especially  _ irritated.” Nichole smirked. “By the way. . . I think your lawyer likes you.” 

Sam raised a brow and leaned against a pillar outside the courthouse. “Oh?” 

“Mhm,” Nichole said. “I’d say give him a call after the trial.” 

Sam chuckled. “I might be in  _ jail  _ after the trial,” he pointed out. 

“Somehow, I don’t think you will,” Nichole said mysteriously. 

A man’s moan broke through the air and Sam looked around, wondering what the fuck was happening before he saw Nichole pulling out her phone. “What the hell?” he asked. 

Nichole sighed, a hint of a smile on her face. “Balthy’s ringtone,” she explained. “He’s an ass and did it to both me and Drea. There’s also something he did so we can’t change it. And before you ask, yes, that’s him moaning.” She answered the phone. “Yes, Balthy? Yes, I’m out of court. I’m standing outside. Of course you can’t see me, I’m short and you’re a giant. Everyone taller than 5’6 is a giant to me, Balthy. Where’s Drea? And you left her in editing hell because. . . Oh. Right. Deadline’s Friday. Okay. Well, we can break her out of editing hell when we get home.  _ Yes,  _ we can buy wine but I need more gin. Fuck you.” She smiled and sighed at Sam. “ _ Je t’aime aussi, mon copain. _ ” She hung up and looked up at Sam. “Christ, you’re tall,” she said. “Anyways, that’s my ride, and I’m being summoned to save my girlfriend from editing hell.” She stood on tiptoe, even in heels, to give Sam a cheek peck. “Talk to that lawyer of yours after the trial, if only so you can stop staring at his ass.” 

“I did  _ not _ ,” Sam protested weakly. 

“Liar,” Nichole laughed as she began walking away. “See you tomorrow, Sam.” 

He waved good bye and watched her meet a man with blond hair and a low V-neck in front of a black sedan. He saw them kiss and he took her briefcase before opening her door. 

“They’re disgusting, aren’t they?” 

Sam turned to look at Lucifer and he smiled. “A little,” he admitted, watching them drive off. 

“And what lies was my assistant feeding you?” Lucifer murmured. “She’s normally not this chatty with clients. She must like you.” 

Sam smiled. “She may’ve told me that a certain someone likes me,” he said, “and to stop staring at his ass.” 

Lucifer smirked, obviously having also caught Sam staring at his ass (like Sam could help it, it was a very nice ass). “Is that so?” he asked. “When did she say you could talk to this certain someone?” 

“She advised after the trial,” Sam said. “She seems fairly confident I’ll get off.” 

“Nicki does have a sixth sense about these things, and she knows Judge Richings very well,” Lucifer commented. “How ethical are you feeling right now, Mr. Winchester?” 

Sam smirked. “Not as ethical as I should be feeling, Mr. Alighieri,” he admitted. 

“So if I asked for you to come back to the office for a long, hard talk about how today’s trial went,” Lucifer trailed off speculatively. 

Sam grinned. “I think that discussion needs to happen,” he said blandly. 

“Good.” Lucifer grinned. “Make sure you have a toothbrush, it may be an all night discussion.” 

Sam laughed. “Sounds good to me,” he said. 

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr @lucibae-is-dancing-in-hell
> 
> Comments and Kudos are Shiny!!


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